


The good side

by LoenaAdams



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoenaAdams/pseuds/LoenaAdams
Summary: Sander claims that he lives without any regrets. He likes to pretend that he doesn't feel any remorse, but deep down he knows he is hurting.He will never admit it out loud. The boy lives by the motto 'Decide fast. You live in a dangerous world. If you see a chance to be happy, you have to fight for it, so later you have no regrets.'So that is what he did a few years ago.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 42
Kudos: 150





	1. The good side

**Author's Note:**

> A fic inspired by several songs

Sander claims that he lives without any regrets. He likes to pretend that he doesn't feel any remorse, but deep down he knows he is hurting. 

He will never admit it out loud. The boy lives by the motto  _ 'Decide fast. You live in a dangerous world. If you see a chance to be happy, you have to fight for it, so later you have no regrets.' _

So that is what he did a few years ago. 

Things hadn't been going well and Sander saw a way out. 

He had met a beautiful girl that took his breath away. A girl that made him smile, a girl that made him feel things, a girl that inspired him, a girl that made him forget all his troubles. 

Sander knew he was wrong, but he didn't know how to stop. 

He had been annoyed, annoyed at his then-current boyfriend. The only thing the younger boy did was work or study. It wasn't like it was before, their six-year-long relationship was practically done in Sander's eyes. 

There was no passion or desire anymore. They just lived next to each other. They could have been roommates that fucked from time to time and slept in the same bed.

Sander had been bored and felt a bit lonely so he couldn't resist the temptation. 

He had felt so bad afterwards, he couldn't look Robbe in the eyes for almost a month. 

The younger boy didn't even notice it which made Sander even madder. 

Why was his boyfriend not paying attention to him? 

When Sander was mad, he didn't think rationally. He just wanted Robbe to pay attention to him so he flirted with the same girl right in front of his lover, still no reaction. 

When he saw Robbe laughing with a male colleague and touching a little bit more than necessary, it was over for Sander. The younger boy stared a little too long at the boy that was just a friend. 

Maybe Sander started to image things, but it was the final straw. 

Sander knew he was wrong when he slept with the girl for the second time, but she just gave him what he wanted, attention, love and affection. He thought it didn't mean anything until he started to draw her, the same way he used to draw Robbe. 

He and the girl started to text and Sander thought he had been love. They met up again, a proper date this time and he knew had to and things with Robbe. 

It stung at the time, but it didn't break his heart. He believed it was for the best. Robbe and he had just fallen out of love. It wasn't a big deal for both of them. 

Oh boy, what had he been wrong. 

Sander had never seen Robbe act like that. 

He hadn't expected that reaction at all. 

He knew that he would chatter the heart of the younger boy in some way, but Robbe would understand because Robbe always understood. 

Robbe must have noticed that the fire in their relationship was extinguishing?

The boy was out of control. He had shouted horrible things to Sander who was packing his bags. There were even some shattered plates and glasses. 

The reaction of Robbe made Sander even more sure about the break-up. This was not the boy he fell in love with. This was a person under too much pressure and stress. 

And Sander didn't know how to help him. 

Perhaps if Robbe had some space it would go better, fewer worries and troubles. 

But he couldn't look his boyfriend into his eyes during his announcement. He just took off his ring, a present from Robbe for their first anniversary, and slammed it on the table. 

Something changed in Sander's body when he heard Robbe soft and broken voice still hoarse from the shouting and crying. 

'You promised me that you would never give up on us.' 

This comment broke Sander who had successfully tried to keep his emotions under control, but he had pushed it away. He had convinced himself that he wasn't in love with Robbe anymore. Of course, he felt bad but it was better this way

He didn't look back and just slammed the door behind him, leaving all his problems behind. 

Tomorrow it was three years already since he had slammed that damn door of the small apartment. It still felt like yesterday. 

The first few months Sander had been happy. He was loving living on his own for a bit. The girl was also like a dream, but it didn't take long before Sander started to compare her to Robbe. 

At first, he thought it was normal, he and the younger boy had dated for a long time. 

That had been the first hint that things weren't right. 

The girl didn't even come close to Robbe when he thought about it. She was funny, but she tried too hard. She was pretty, but not beautiful. She was kind, but also fake. She was attractive, but she didn't have that great of a personality. It was difficult to have a deep conversation with her. She was kinda dumb and annoying. She just agreed with everything Sander said, but she never really understood what he meant, not like Robbe. 

The artist started to miss Robbe. He wanted to see the younger boy, but it wasn't fair to call. He was the one that broke things off. It still was too soon.

The feeling of doubt didn't disappear, it only got stronger over the years. 

Robbe had probably graduated and Sander wanted to know how the boy was doing. If he already had a new lover, but for some reason, Sander didn't reach out. 

He never looked at any of the social media pages of the younger boy. There was no explanation for it. Perhaps Sander was afraid of what he would see. 

It made him sick thinking about Robbe dating another man. Robbe belonged to him. 

Sander had been very confused. He was over Robbe, right? He had been dating this attractive girl for over a year now, but why did he keep going to his finger to play with the ring that wasn’t there anymore? 

He convinced himself that it was just curiosity because Sander Driessen never ever had any regrets. 

He just wanted to see what Robbe had been up too. There was nothing wrong with, right? 

Robbe and he had a long history after all. 

It had taken him almost an entire month to dial Robbe's phone number only to find out that the boy had a new phone number. Maybe that was a sign of the universe Sander convinced himself. 

He and Robbe weren't destined to meet again, he had made the right choice. 

But why did he have this weird feeling in his chest anyway? 

Why didn't leave the brown-haired boy his mind or dreams? Why did he keep wondering about what Robbe was doing? 

'Babe? Can you come back inside? It is fucking freezing outside?' 

Lara startles him by standing behind him out of nowhere. She wraps her arms around his waist and presses her face into his back. 

'Why are you standing outside anyways? It is fucking January.'

Sander mutters something about smoking before heading back inside. 

'Were you looking at the moon again?'

Lara's tone is light and teasing, but it pisses Sander off. She is talking as if he is a child. 

Or maybe because she was right. 

Sander had developed an obsession with the moon over the past few years. 

The moon was something fucking stunning. 

Deep down he knew it reminded him of Robbe and that is why he loved it so much but does thoughts were always pushed away. 

He didn't love Robbe anymore. The younger boy still meant a lot, but that was just because they were each other's first lover, nothing more. 

* * *

It felt like he could finally breathe again when he saw a tall guy in the supermarket placing some beer crates in his shopping cart. 

He almost didn't recognize the boy that had become a man. 

Jens also had to blink twice when Sander greeted him. 

They fist-bumped and had a polite talk. Both of them were dancing around the topic of the boy that meant a lot to both of them. 

Sander just couldn't get Robbe's names over his lips, but he just needed it to know. 

'How is he doing?'

Jens bit his lip. 'Euhh, he is doing good apart from circumstances.'

'What for circumstances?'

Sander felt like an idiot when his voice came out so desperate. Maybe there was a chance? 

'His mother past away literally yesterday.'

A slap his face would have hurt less. 

'Huh? What do you mean?'

Jens gave him a strange look. 'She died yesterday?'

Sander mentally faced palmed himself. 

'I mean, what happened?'

The boy shrugged slightly. 'Lost the battle to cancer.' 

What do you say in response to that? 

'Shit man, how is he holding up?'

'You know how he is, bottling everything up but he has some support' 

Jens let out a sigh. 

'I am trying to help in the only way I can' he nods towards the beer. 

'Tell him my condolence ' 

'Babe? Are you here? What is taking you so long? Oh, hello.' 

Lara gives Jens a polity smile. 

'I am Lara and you are?' 

The girl lifted her eyebrow while staring at Sander. 

'Jens, I am assuming you are his girlfriend?'

Lara nods proudly and takes the other boy hand. 'Lara, nice to meet you. How do you two know each other?'

Jens let go of the handshake suspiciously quick and ignores Lara’s question. 

'I will tell him that, bro. Good to see you again.' 

Jens gives him a small smile before turning around again. 

Sander needs a few seconds to process the conversation, but Lara is already rambling about some rude woman in the other aisle. 

She almost drags him away from Jens. 

'Sander?'

The artist quickly turns around 'yeah?'

The boy hesitates for a second. 'You should come.'

'Come to what?' whispers Lara while giving him a confused look. 

Sander just nods 'text me, I still have the same number.'

He felt weird as he walked out of the supermarket, ignoring his girlfriend. He had just received some horrible news about the boy he had been trying to get off his mind for years, but he felt different. Lighter in some way, as if he could breathe again. 

Sander didn't want to think about what it meant. It meant nothing, he was just upset about Robbe's mother. He was allowed to be upset. He had spent quite some time with that wonderful woman. 

It had absolutely nothing to do with Robbe. 

No, definitely not. 


	2. A pearl

_ Put a price on emotion, I am looking for something to buy.' _

Robbe read that sentence somewhere once, or maybe he heard it in a song. 

He thought it was beautiful, very clever wordplay. 

It was something else to experience it. There was silence in Robbe's soul. 

The coldness in his blood brought the synapses of his brain to a standstill. 

He didn't feel anything. 

His life was empty without Sander. There was nothing there. 

He laid in bed for almost a week. He couldn't deal with the rest of the world. 

Sander break-up came out of nowhere. Well, almost out of nowhere. 

Robbe knew things had been a little rough between them. He wasn't feeling well. 

His insecurities took the best of him. Robbe had pushed his boyfriend away because of them. 

He knew he was being ridiculous, but he just couldn't help it. 

There was this voice in his head telling him Sander was growing tired of him. 

Robbe founded it difficult to ask for help. He still remembers his father monologue. 

_ “Crying out for help is a sign of weakness if they care for you, it means you have succeeded in getting their attention and it shows how much you crave attention so I wouldn’t if I were you.”  _

Robbe always had been a bit insecure. Sander was difficult to pinpoint and very impulsive. 

It wasn't the first time he had those thoughts, but his boyfriend had always proved him wrong. 

Robbe was starting to relax a little more over the years. Sander would always come back. It wasn't the first times that things were a bit rough between them, but they always pulled through in the end. Sander promised him that he would never give up on them. They belonged together in each Universum. 

It had been a slap his face when it turned out that it wasn’t the truth. 

Robbe hated that his insecurities had won, that the thoughts who have been visiting him since he was a little kid were justified. 

During the gloomiest of days, they had accompanied him and even during the happiest of days, they remind him that happiness does not last.

But Robbe got comfortable with them over the years. Sander always proved them wrong. Happiness could last. 

Maybe he got too comfortable with them. He got just so used to it that he kinda forget about them. 

He had Sander as a distraction. The older boy haunted them away and it made Robbe feel something. Satisfaction was the word that came close. 

He loved proving his insecurities wrong. 

But after the artist was truly gone, Robbe had already fully accustomed to their presence, but there was no one to haunt them away so they were haunting him now. 

He was bound to invisible chains. 

Robbe wishes to be happy again, but it was almost impossible. Why would invest in something that was never going to last? 

It was one of his first childhood lessons. Happiness doesn't last. He had seen his parents happy, but that certainly didn't last. 

Maybe if they hadn't been happy in the first place it would have hurt less. 

What Robbe needed would never come to him no matter how much he seeks He wouldn't find it. 

Perhaps Robbe wasn't born for great things, nor to find his place in the sun. He tried every day, working for what he wants and needs, but there are no paths to success, not from here. 

People talk as if he can dream his way out, simply discover a version of himself that only sees the opportunities and ignores the noise, the distractions and the people who only say 'no' because they don't believe in themselves, so how can they believe in him? So he wishes people would take away the well-meant words, the songs that don't help and the smiles that aren't real. Call it despair if you want, but something fake hurts more than anything.

That fact that Sander cheated was even more painful. The way the other boy was saying it, so casual. As if they had been talking about the weather. There was no regret or shame in the voice of his ex-lover. 

Robbe should have known, once a cheater, always a cheater. 

But the worst thing was, he couldn't even blame the older boy. 

He was the one that neglected Sander, the one that shut him out. 

It was his own fault and now he had to deal with the consequences. 

* * *

He spent so long in that first stage of grief, in denial that her death came as a shock. 

His mother had diagnosed almost a year ago. It looked bad, but she was optimistic. 

She told Robbe that everything was going to be oke. 

Pretty soon the doctors came with the announcement that there was no cure anymore. The treatment didn't work. The doctors would start a life-extending process, but it wasn't living anymore. 

Robbe's mother made the difficult decision to stop with it all, no medication, no more hospital stays, no more chemo's. Robbe had been devastated. 

He had walked around like a zombie for weeks. There was one light in his life, but that didn't stop the pain. There was no way he was prepared to lose his mother. 

The last few weeks had been a difficult battle. Robbe stayed with his mother the entire day and night, never leaving her side. 

They talked a lot until his mother couldn't anymore. She would just stare at him with a peaceful smile on her face. Sometimes reaching out to cub his face. 

Robbe didn't want to cry in front of her, but he didn't know how to hold himself together and once he started, he didn't know how to stop. 

His mother had tried to comfort her the best she could. 

He can still feel her soft hand tracing his skin and brushing through his hair. 

Her last words were also something that kept haunting him the past nights. 

_ 'Follow your heart, baby. Think about what you really want. It is never too late.' _

Did she mean anything by that? 

It drove him mad that he could never ask her that again. She was gone and would never come back. 

Sometimes he got hit by a wave of sadness and panic. There was so much he still needed his mother for. He needed her for the wedding, for a potential child, to celebrate his birthday or just someone who understood him. 

Robbe had never felt more alone, even though he was constantly surrounded by people. 

No one understood his pain. 

Everyone would just try to comfort him, but no one listened to what he needed so badly. 

Robbe didn't even know what he needed yet he knew it wasn't this. 

It wasn't Luuk who kept moaning around about what kind of flowers for the funeral. It wasn't Jens who tried to get him in drunk. It wasn't his dad who wanted to talk about the heritage and it wasn't his mother sister that couldn't stop crying. 

He just needed someone who would understand him. 

A few nights after his mother passed away, Robbe couldn't sleep at all. 

He struggled his way out of Luuk's tight hold and wandered around the house a bit. 

Luuk had tried to convince him to stay in a hotel, but Robbe didn't want that. 

He wanted to sleep in his old bedroom. This house had a lot of memories, good and bad ones. 

He sighed when he walked past all the boxes. His mother had been a collector. She had tried to throw away some of her stuff, but she didn't get that far. It would be a hell to look through everything. 

Luuk and his dad had suggested to throw it all away, but Robbe didn't want that. 

He was aware of the fact that most of it was rubbish yet he couldn't do it.

Maybe it was because he liked to clean things up. It would take his mind off his problems. 

So that he was starting to do. He grabbed the first box he saw and opened it. 

It was a boring box. Just some papers and old notebooks until he came across a photograph. 

Robbe didn't know how old the picture was. Judging by Sander's bleached hair it could be over ten years old. 

Fucking ten years old. 

He still remembers that day. They went to the beach together. Robbe had attempted to teach Sander to surf but the boy did have the same amount of talent for it as skating, it was a disaster honestly. 

A smile appears on his face as he traces the face of the older boy. 

He started to dig into the box, looking for more pictures. He liked looking at old pictures. It reminded him of better times. 

Apart from a drawing, which Robbe was almost a hundred percent sure was Sander's, he found nothing. Well, nothing except dust. 

The picture made him feel many things that he couldn't explain. 

He grabbed the necklace around his neck. The angel necklace was long ago replaced by a silver metal one with two rings attached to it. 

Robbe forgot about it over time, he never took it off. It wasn't until Luuk pointed it out he started to think about it. 

The necklace had just become part of him. 

Luuk asking about it reopened some wounds that weren't even healed yet. 

'Hey, what are you doing?' 

Luuk is standing shirtless in the doorway. 

'You should sleep. You have some busy days ahead of you.'

Robbe's mutters something in reply. 

Luuk takes place on the floor next to him, grabbing to photograph from of his hands. 

'Who is that?'

Robbe shrugs 'no one?'

The blond man lifts his eyebrow. 'He is kissing you'

'On the cheek.' 

'Still' Luuk stares at the photograph. 'How old were you here?'

'Seventeen maybe eighteen.'

It stays silent for a second. 

'Is this your ex?' 

Robbe feels weird talking about Sander with Luuk so he shakes his head. 

'Let's go back to bed.'

'Is that an ex Robbe?'

The tone in Luuk's voice changes. 

'I can't remember. maybe? It is so fucking long ago.'

'But why does your mother have this picture then?' 

Robbe shrugs 'I don't know, Luuk. Come, let's go back to bed'

He stands up and leaves the other man sitting on the floor. 

The sound of ripping paper makes him turn around. 

'What are you doing?' His voice skips when he sees Luuk throwing the small pieces in the bin. 

'Well, it wasn't important to you, right?'

During moments like this, Robbe hates the other man with great passion. 

He despises the blue eyes that are looking at him filled with arrogance while challenging him silently. 

Challenging Robbe to do something about it, but the younger man never does. 

Robbe swallows before turning around. He can't deal with it right now. 

When they lay back in bed Luuk grabs his hand out of nowhere causing Robbe, who was slowing drifting away, sitting up straight. 

'What are you doing?' 

The other man holds his hand rather aggressively. 

'Just checking if you are still wearing your ring.'

'Why wouldn't I be wearing it?'

'You tell me, Robbe. You tell me.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudo's and comments. It really makes my day!


	3. Talk me down

Sander fucking hates funerals. That is probably quite a cliche because what kind of sick individual likes them? His mother got mad at him after his granddad funeral, where he expressed his problems with funerals.   
He had been twelve years, and he didn't see the point of a burial. 

It was always the same thing with funerals. People who hadn't seen each other in years would bond again, promise they would keep in touch which never happened.   
There was a lot of food and catching up. All that because someone died. 

It just didn't make sense in Sander's head. 

After his mother sermon, she tried to make him understand that it wasn't like that all.   
People go to a funeral to grief together, to recall memories, support each other, to say goodbye. 

Sander still failed to see the point. He always wanted to be left alone.   
Why would he talk to a family member he hadn't seen in years? What could he and that old aunt talk about expect the fact that he had grown?

No, Sander wasn't a fan of funerals, but he didn't mind this one.   
He wasn't nervous at all. 

The only problem was Lara. The girl wanted to come with him to support him even though he had told her several times he didn't need it.   
'Just a mother of an old friend that passed away. I am just going to pay my respects.'

The girl had started to pout. 'I am your girlfriend. It is weird that I don't know this friend.'

'I haven't seen him in years, just leave it, Lara. He is an old friend and I knew his mom pretty well.'

The girl had rolled her eyes but put her dress back in the closet. 

Now he was sitting in the back of a small church. The ceremony was being led by a priest.   
Sander had been extremely early but choose to sit in the back anyway. He wasn't sure if Robbe knew he was were and it wouldn't be fair to surprise him like that. 

Sander's heart had stopped beating for a second when Robbe entered the stage to give a speech. The boy, well man now actually, was nervous.  
Sander could see it clearly. 

Robbe had always certain ticks when he was nervous. Playing with his hands, looking down, brushing trough is already messy brown hair, the position his shoulders were standing in. 

It broke Sander’s heart. 

Robbe looked so lost, so devastated.   
The speech was beautiful, very Robbe, simple yet more than enough. Words carefully chosen and it was just as Polly would have wanted. 

The man looked exactly the same.   
Sure, he had grown up. He had become a man, but his face, in how far Sander it could see from the distance, was the same. 

He couldn't stop himself from wondering what might have happened if he didn't walk out that night.   
Would he have been standing next to Robbe if they still had been together? Would they be engaged? Maybe even married? 

It felt strange to think about it. Perhaps in another universe?   
Was there a universe where Sander and Robbe were still together?   
He felt a warm feeling of desire flooding through his body. If he only was in that universe. 

Sander shook his head and shivered. No, he shouldn't be thinking like that. It was better this way. 

* * *

He hadn't been planning on approaching Robbe. Sander was just going to the ceremony and then leave but something stopped him so now he standing on the graveyard, watching how the coffin was being lowered into the ground. 

He can't believe Polly is that wooden box. When was the last time he saw that woman? More than three years?   
It would be a bit hypocrite to say he should have visited her more.   
She had been banned from his thoughts just as her son. 

But he couldn't push the feeling of regret of him. He wasn't sure if the regret was from not visiting the woman or something else as well. 

Robbe was standing close next to a tall male who was trying to put his arm around the smaller man, but Robbe pushed him away.   
'Just leave me be for a second.'  
'Robbe, she is going to rise up out of nowhere. You have to come with us now otherwise the taxi is going to leave without.'

'Well, then I will walk. It is not that far.'

The man shook his head but walked away. Sander took a deep breath. He couldn't let this opportunity go. 

It was so weird to see Robbe again from up close. Those warm brown eyes still made Sander weak in his knees. 

The younger man opened his mouth, but there didn't come any sound. He just stared with his mouth open. 

Sander scratched the back of his head, not sure where to look. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. 

He considered to turn around and just walk away until Robbe sighed his name. 

'Sander.' 

There was something about Robbe's voice. It was more beautiful than any melody ever. It was low, with an agreeable trace of huskiness and with a hint of more power than the frail body would suggest yet it was so gentle.

Goosebumps spread all over his body when Robbe whispered his name once again.   
The brown eyes were filled with tears. 

There were no words needed between them. 

Sander wrapped his arms around the other man's shoulders and pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm.   
Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of their bodies pressed together. Robbe sunk into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture.   
And Sander just knew that his touch made the other man feel warmer somehow, the future within its walls seeming a little less bleak.

Robbe hadn't grown one bit. The man still perfectly fitted in his arms.   
The curls, that were not as long as Sander had seen them once, but still longer than usual, were tickling his neck. 

Robbe's warm breathe on his sensitive skin made him forget the rest of the world.   
There was a moment of peace between them. The world could have been on fire and they wouldn't have noticed it. 

Sander gently stroked the neck of the man his arms, trying to give some sort of comfort. He had closed his eyes while in inhaling Robbe's scent. It felt like coming home when the aroma of honey hits his nostrils. 

He could stand here like this forever. Sander squeezed his eyes together. Later he would think about what this all meant, not now. Now he was going to- 

Suddenly Robbe is being pulled away from his arms. A tall blond man wearing sunglasses pulls the boy away, making Sander wanting to scream. 

'Love, can you come with me? Your aunt is driving me mad. Is she always this way? Plus the taxi is really leaving.'   
The tall man pushes Robbe behind him in a not so subtle way. 

'Also can you tell your father to stop talking about the heritage to me? That is your businesses.'

Robbe mutters something in return still looking at Sander who holds his hand out.

'Hey,'

'And you are?'  
The man grabs his hand and squeezes it a little bit harder than necessary.   
'Sander, Sander Driessen.'

'I am Luuk, Robbe's fiancé.' 

Sander doesn't like the way the man is empathizing that. He doesn't allow him to think about the fact Robbe is engaged.   
'Nice to meet you.' 

The man eyes him up and down. 'I don't remember inviting you?'   
'Jens has invited me.'

Luuk chuckles 'typical, what is your relationship with him?'  
'With Jens? We don't really have one.'

Sander puts in hands in his pockets and leans back a bit.   
'What are you doing here then?'  
'Just paying my respects. What do you think you are doing? Are you the police or something?'

Luuk snickers sarcastically. 'I was just asking. I have never seen you before and I was just curious.'

'I am Robbe's ex-boyfriend.'

Now he has the attention of the man who wraps his arms around Robbe rather possessively.   
'Bit inappropriate to come here, don't you think?'

Robbe tugs on the man's sleeve 'not now, Luuk.'

'I have known Polly rather well so I have much right to be here as you.'

The man shrugs 'whatever, let's go, Robbe. I believe I saw that uncle of yours that works at Shell. Can you introduce me to him? I want to see if he is down for business.' 

Sander tries to cover his laugh as a cough, but he fails miserably. 

Luuk gives him an annoyed look 'what?'

'Because that is appropriate for a funeral.'

The man takes his sunglasses off.   
'I am devastated about Polly, but life goes on you know.'  
'Maybe you should leave Robbe alone right now. He is clearly grieving and you want him to talk about business?' 

Luuk steps forward.   
'What are you trying to say?'

Sander opens his mouth to reply, but Robbe interrupts him.   
'Can we not do this now?'

It sounds as if the boy is on the verge of tears which makes Sander shut up immediately. 

Luuk gives him a cocky grin before turning around and pulls Robbe with him leaving Sander behind in the graveyard. 

* * *

It is quite busy in the cosy cafe Polly had worked once. Sander wasn't planning on coming, he wasn't even invited for the coffee table, but he had run into Aaron, Amber and Zoë who had basically dragged him with them. 

It was good to catch up with them. He hadn't seen any of them since the break-up. Aaron and Amber were still together, but Zoë didn't say anything about Senne. 

All of them were working full time and just living their lives. Jens and Moyo joined their table at some point.   
They asked a lot about him. Zoë knew he had a girlfriend so he couldn't deny it.   
No of them seemed to hate him or hold anything against him even though they had chosen Robbe sides as they should have done. 

Time was passing by quickly and slowly everyone started to leave. 

Sander was sitting with Jens only and planning on leaving until Robbe came to sit next to him. Jens left faster than you can say goodbye. 

It stays silent for a second. Sander plays a bit with his napkin where he made a quick sketch on. 

'I am sorry about him. He isn't like that normally. It has just been a busy week. I appreciate that you came.'  
Robbe doesn't look him into his eyes

'It is alright, you don't have to apologize for him.'  
Sander gives a soft pad on the other man's arm. An electric shock shoots through his body when he touches Robbe's soft and warm skin

Another moment of silence. Robbe is staring intensely at his glass of beer.  
Sander is wondering if he should ask the man how he is doing, but it feels wrong. 

'She would have loved the fact that you are here, you know' Robbe suddenly says.   
'You and she had a special band.'

'I didn't know she was ill otherwise I would have visited her.' 

Robbe finally lifts his head, a small smile on his face.   
'Don't worry about it. You are here now.' 

'I am' Sander whispers. 

The man nods slowly before gulping his beer down. 

'It is good to see you again, Sander.'

Sander feels something warms spreading through his body when his eyes meet the brown ones. 

Robbe looks down again. 

'Do you guys want something else to drink?'  
A waitress with a friendly face gives them a questioning look. 

They both shake their heads. 

The girl gives them a smile before reaching for Robbe's empty glass.  
while the man tries to hand it to her.   
'Here you go, oops.'

Robbe knocks Sander's glass of the table and the remaining beer spills all over Sander's suit.   
'Shit, I am so sorry.'  
The younger grabs some of the napkins and starts dapping. 

'It is okay, baby.' The pet name just slips out. Robbe freezes for a second but then decides to ignore it.   
'I am sorry. I can bring it to dry cleaning. Or I bring it to my mother she always-'

The man suddenly stops talking and lowers his head. 

Sander holds the arms of the other man. 'Seriously Robbe. it is okay. Don't worry so much.'

Suddenly Sander notices something shiny around Robbe's finger. It is a striking ring with a big diamond. Not really Robbe’s style if you ask Sander. 

'It is a nice ring.'

Robbe nods before pulling his hand back followed by uncomfortable silence   
'How long have you two been together?'

'Around a year and a half.'

'And already engaged?'  
That is nothing for Robbe. Sander doesn't know how many times he asked the other man to marry him, serious or not, but the boy always shook his head and started to laugh. 

'Well, he proposed and with everything going on with my mother I said yes.'

Sander can't pinpoint Robbe's emotion. He stares the beautiful face of the other man who has lowered his eyes.

'What do you mean? I don't get it.'

Robbe shrugs uncomfortably. 'I wanted to marry when she was still on this planet.'

Oh, that makes sense. 

'And now?'

Suddenly Robbe stands up.   
'What do you mean and now?'  
His tone is completely changed. 

'Are you still going to marry him?'  
Robbe snorts 'what kind of question is that?   
'You are not answering.'

'I don't need to answer you.' And with those words, the man turns around and walks away, away from Sander.

Sander nods slowly, that stings more than he wants to admit.   
'Fair enough' he whispers while staring at his empty glass. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudo's and comments!!!🥰


	4. Real estate

Sometimes Robbe wondered what was wrong with him. Why is he the way that he is? 

He knew he was doing some stupid, so why couldn't he stop himself? 

There was no excuse for his behaviour. He was being self-destructive once again. 

But it was what he needed right now. 

Sander Driessen was what he needed right now. 

A person who understood him without any words. 

Someone who got that he wanted to be left alone, but not left alone. 

He knows that he is supposed to be mad at Sander. He should have kicked the other man out as soon as he tried to re-enter. 

He just couldn't bring himself to do it. 

Robbe needed Sander right now for support. 

That was also the only thing going on between them, just support. 

Both of them were in a happy relationship, and they were over each other. 

But Robbe couldn't deny the special bond between him and the artist. Six years together was quite some time. They had grown up together, seen each other at their worst. It was okay to catch up a little bit. 

Six weeks had passed since the funeral and five since Sander's message. 

The man apologized for his behaviour during the funeral through Facebook messenger. 

Robbe didn't really know how to reply. 

After two days filled with deleted messages, he had sent something standard in return and then it was much a coast downhill.

It was interesting to hear what Sander was doing with his life. The man was still living and working in Antwerp just like Robbe. 

He worked at some company where he took care of the advertisement. It was not something that Robbe had expected. 

Sander had different plans three years ago. He wanted his own studio, maybe teaching people but mostly selling his own art. 

Robbe got a vague answer when he asked what happened to that plan. 

And now they were meeting up. 

It happened unexpectedly and very quickly. They run into each other at the supermarket. Robbe didn't have time to chat because he was already late for work so they agreed to meet up. 

Sander had texted him the location of a coffee shop. 

The coffeeshop they used to go when they were younger and were still dating. 

Normally Robbe would have run away as quick as he could, but not this time. 

His heart jumped a little and that hadn't happened since his mother passed away. 

It was just a polite small talk while drinking their coffee. 

The talk was littered with smiles, the real communication, not the words. It told them of the love that lay there, unspoken, forbidden. It was as obvious as the morning sun, as real as the grass. The feeling flowed through them as the conversation filled the air until the time to part arrived. With practised nonchalance, each walked away from the other, both feeling the wrench of parting.

Their meeting had made Robbe feel warm on the inside. They sat in their usual spot, the dark corner. 

For a moment it felt as if nothing had changed and that is what Robbe needed, a feeling of nostalgia. 

It was all friendly, not real feelings. 

No that was over between them. 

But why did his heart jump when Sander told him he broke up with his girlfriend? 

Robbe felt tired. The had been a busy and long day at work. He was trying to catch up with his work since his mother passed away. He signed when he dropped his key to the floor. He hadn't been outside for five minutes and he was already soaked. 

'Hey?'

Luuk was standing in the hallway holding a big bouquet of flowers wearing a suit. 

Robbe drops his bag and walks into the arms of his fiancè. Luuk presses a kiss against his forehead. 

'How are you doing?'

'Well okay, I guess' shrugs the smaller man.

'Hmm, I don't think you are doing okay.'

Robbe almost hurts his neck looking at his lover's face. 

'I think you deserve a night out.' 

Luuk brushes through the brown curls. 

'Nah, it is a work night and I am tired.'

'You don't have any appointments tomorrow until noon.'

Robbe raises his eyebrow. 'How do you know that?'

The man ignores the question and pulls Robbe towards the bedroom. 

'Why don't you get changed?' 

'Luuk, I don't think-'

'Shh, let me take you on a date.'

'Wait-'

The taller man pinches him against the wall causing Robbe to smack his head but he doesn't have time to complain because Luuk is kissing him senseless. 

It is a hard and dirty kiss making Robbe forget where he is for a second. 

He needs a few seconds to catch his breath. 

'Where is that for?'

Luuk cups the smaller man's face. 'Just because I love you.'

Robbe kisses the palm of his lover who hesitates for a second. 

'I also want to apologize for the last few weeks. I have been so damn busy. I feel like I have neglected you.'

'It is okay.'

Luuk grins shyly. 

'You belong with me, Robbe. You know that, right? We are a team together. '

The tone was light, but the fire in the blue eyes made Robbe shiver. 

It was still raining when they walked out of the cinema holding hands. 

'Are you cold?'

Robbe nods while suppressing a yawn. 

'Here take my jacket, gorgeous.'

Luuk wraps the grey jacket around him. 'I will be back in a second. I have to piss and I will get the car. Wait here for me.'

The man presses a kiss against his temple before walking in the opposite direction. 

Robbe sighs while sitting down on a bench in a bus stop. 

It is fucking freezing outside. 

He shivers again while putting his hands in the large pocket of his fiancè's jacket. 

There was popcorn stuck between his teeth. Robbe wasn't a fan of popcorn, he rather had some chips, but Luuk always insisted on getting popcorn. 

Robbe searches through the pockets of Luuk's jacket, maybe he had a package of gum or something

No gum, but a piece of paper. 

Luuk could be so messy. Robbe doesn't know how many times their washing machine broke down because Luuk left stuff inside his pockets. One time the man let a pen sit inside his white blouse. They had to throw all the clothes away. 

Robbe stood up to walk to the bin to throw the piece away until the moonlight lighted up the paper. 

It is an envelope with his name on it and it is already open. 

Robbe feels like he is being kicked in his stomach. He recognises that handwriting immediately. 

He doesn't hesitate and grabs the folded note. 

_ Dear Robin,  _

_ I don't know how to tell you this. I probably should mind my own business, but I can't.  _

_ You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of their heart.  _

_ Someone who supports you. Someone spoils you. Someone who wants the best for you. Someone who takes care of you.  _

_ I don't think Luuk is that person for you.  _

_ You have talked about him sometimes and I have met him once. I hope I am wrong of course. He isn't gentle with you. He has no patience. Sometimes it comes across as if he just uses you.  _

_ Please don't marry him just because you want security in your life, Robbe.  _

_ Be brave to live your life, I know how brave you can be. Don't settle for someone just because you want to settle. It won't make you happy, I can assure you that.  _

_ I should have told you this years ago, but I still love you with my entire heart. In your eyes I see home. I ache when I see you smile. I want it to be directed towards me. For me. Because of me. I want to bring you joy; be the source of those lit eyes and dimpled cheeks. I watch you bring so much happiness to those around you. Feel the warmth you’ve given me. _

_ You have taught me many things in life. One of them is to always look for beauty in this cruel world. No matter how bad I feel, you always tried to show me the bright side of life.  _

_ You try so hard to do so well. You worked hard. You fought for every step; even if it wasn’t always in the right direction. You wanted to fly and now you’re soaring. I’m afraid. I’m so afraid you’ll crash and won't come up again.  _

_ I know what I did is unforgivable, but I am going to ask you anyway. You can just ignore this if you want and move on with your life.  _

_ Can we please try again?  _

_ In your soul, there is the kind of passion that brings solace to my fire, enough to bring out my earthen nature and calm. Your arms become my cocoon, a place to heal my soul. For living as a phoenix requires refuge, especially after those times I must become flame in the defence of the defenceless, a light in the darkness, before again returning to ashes.  _

_ I could live infinite lifetimes and desire you. I would live infinite mortal lives to save you, to bring you home. In all honesty, I'm not sure who is saving whom in this scenario, but from what this universe has shown me, it's almost certainly a bit of both. _

_ You have always held on to my soul no matter what happened and I want to do the same for you.  _

_ I want to take care of you in this crazy and chaotic world.  _

_ No matter what happens, I will always want you. _

_ Love, _

_ Sander  _

Oh, Sander, why did you have to do this?

Robbe holds the paper so tightly his knuckles turn white while ignoring the single tear running down his cheek. 


	5. One last time

_Dear Sander,_

_Thanks for your letter, but you are wrong._

_I am very happy with Luuk. Your opinion of him is wrong, he is the sweetest person alive._

_Sander, we are never getting back together._

_The only reason we are talking again is that I want to know how you are doing._

_We are not made for each other. You have to much fire inside you for me to handle._

_Your fire is a thing of beauty, please treasure it as I do. It is eternal, as is my love for you in some ways. Yet such fire belongs in the hands of one who can handle it, who can tame it to a steady flame that does your bidding instead making you its puppet._

_We both know I can't do that. I gave you my everything and unfortunately, it wasn't enough back then and it won't be enough now._

_I hope you know that I will always care for you and please don't hesitate to reach out to me but perhaps is it better to take a break right now since you have just broken up._

_I know that you are lonely but we must not give in to the desire that is going to destroy us._

_I've seen that strength in you more than any other I've ever met and knowing how this universe tailors my path, I have to believe that you are unique in that ability._

_So show me you can become a steady bright light, for one can only lead others out of the darkness when your own light is constant. No more on-again, off-again relationships. Master yourself first and all else will fall into place._

_I wish you well._

_Love,_

_Robbe_

The piece of paper with the messy handwriting has been thrown on the ground only to be picked up to re-read it again and again. 

He should have seen it coming, but it still hurt likes hell. 

It feels like his chest is being ripped open. 

Sander gripped the edge of the sofa so hard that his palm started to get sore. 

He stared at the fireplace of the cafe he was sitting in accompanied by a glass of vodka. His burning throat was matching his burning heart. 

Sander snorts softly while downing the glass. What had he expected? That Robbe would run back to him? This wasn't a bloody Disney movie. 

He had fucked, he had fucked it so fucking bad. 

Why didn't see what he had with Robbe? Why was he so damn stupid? 

'You are looking quite lonely over here.'

A girl with long black hair joins him on the sofa.

Sander chuckles 'you have no idea.'

'Break up?'

The man nods slowly. 

'Recent by the looks of it.' 

'Three years ago.'

The girl lifts her eyebrow, but Sander ignores her. He wants to suffer in silence. 

The girl shifts closer to him, offering him a drink that he takes without hesitating. 

'Want to talk about it?'

'Do I look like I want to talk about it?'

'No, not really to be honest.'

The girl starts stroking his neck while moving even closer. 

'You like you want to do something else.' 

Her voice whispering in his ear gives him goosebumps. 

She starts kissing down his neck, but he has already pushed her away. 

'I don't want that.'

The girl looks offended but doesn't stop. 

'It is okay, you have broken up, right?'

For a moment, Sander wants to give in. Accept her love and affection because why not? He is indeed lonely, especially since things were done with Lara. He is desperate for somebody's touch. 

_ Master yourself first and all else will fall into place. _

Sander is done choosing the easy way. He wasn't going to get Robbe back, but he was going to change.

No more distractions, he needed to work on himself. He wouldn't give in to the fire anymore.

He slammed his glass on the table before walking out of the cafe leaving the girl behind. 

This letter was going to be the end of a chapter. 

He was going to change, for real this time. 

* * *

It was almost midnight when Sander decides that it was enough for today. 

He took a step back of his painting. It was different from is the usual art he made, more colourful. 

More earthy tones like green and brown sometimes a hint of dark blue. 

It was a change, but Sander liked it. 

He quickly cleaned up his brushes and attempted to clean the floor until he saw the mess. 

Tomorrow he would have time to clean it up. 

It was late already and he was tired. 

A sigh escaped from his lips when he saw that it was pouring outside. 

Maybe he should sleep here tonight because he didn't feel like getting soaked right now. 

But that meant Ash would be alone again during the night. The cat could take care of himself, but Sander felt bad for his buddy. He was being let alone way too much. Tomorrow he would take the cat with to the atelier. 

He decided to suck it up and get his bike since public transport didn't go past eleven o’clock. 

He was almost at the front door until he noticed the yellow post note. 

_ Don't forget the lights.  _

Sander rolls his eyes but returns to his art room. Julia would murder him if he left the lights on once again. 

He locked the front door and turned around. 

A shock went through his body. 

Someone was sitting next to his bike on the pavement. 

Sander licked his lips, doubting if he should go upstairs again. What kind of person would just sit there in the rain? 

Perhaps it was a robber or something. 

But then the person stood up and Sander almost snorted. 

That person was way too short, he could easily handle him or her. 

It wasn't until the person stepped into the light of the lamppost out of the shadows, Sander recognised him. 

'Robbe?' 

Sander had to blink twice to make sure it was the younger man. It was probably around a year since he saw Robbe last during their coffee meeting. 

The man was completely soaked. His hair was sticking to the side of his cheeks in wet strains. 

It looked like he had stepped in a pool and just walked out of it. 

'I have told Luuk I didn't want to marry him.'

Robbe spoke loudly to make sure he was audible through the rain. 

'Not because of you though.'

Added the man while staring at the ground. 

Sander didn't know what to do. What was Robbe doing here? 

The letter had been very clear. 

'How did you know I was here?'

The man searches through his pockets and holds up a soaked card that Sander recognises as his invitation from the opening of his art gallery. 

'It was a guess, but I saw light on so I waited.'

Robbe nods towards the window while stepping closer. Sander's heart started to beat a little bit faster. 

His limbs go weak when Robbe got even closer

Before Sander can draw in the air his body needs, Robbe has melted into his form. 

Sander can feel his firm torso and the heart that beats within. The smaller hands are folded around his back, drawing Sander in closer. 

Robbe's body is shaking, crying to release the tension of these horrible years. 

The man pulls his head back and wipes the tears or the rain with a thin finger. 

Sander feels shocked when he looks into the brown eyes

Robbe is eating him with his eyes, running his hand through the recently dyed hair as if he can't quite believe Sander is not part of an almost forgotten dream. 

And that is when Robbe closes the gap between them. It is sweet, gently and also very wet partly by tears and rain. 

Sander wants to say a million things when they pull back for a second, but there comes no sound out of his mouth. 

Robbe's mouth paints a soft smile and he nods once before folding Sander in his arms once again.

There is something so heavenly about a kiss in the rain, a tender moment that just won't wait. It is that burst of love that is expressed, not caring if the water soaks through to chill the skin. It is a connection that shows the strength of the feeling, the mutual need. It is a rebellion against the elements. Nature can bring the rain but our inner sunshine comes through just the same.

They stumble backwards against the door. 

'Can we go inside?' 

Robbe pulls back for a second and stares at him with his big brown eyes. 

Drops of waters sticking to his eyelashes. 

Sander nods quickly and searches for the key in his pocket. 

Robbe keeps holding on to him. 

The feeling is indescribable. 

He dreamed so many times about this and now it is really happening. 

Robbe gets rid of his jacket and pulls off his shirt as soon as they get inside. 

Sander gently guides him towards the old bed standing in the corner of the room. 

Robbe tugs on his shirt. 

It is a pain in the ass to take their jeans off. The fabric is sticking to there legs and both of them are being clumsy. 

They fall off the bed more than once. 

Sander stares at the boy that is laying almost naked on the bed, admiring the beauty of the young man. Softly tracing the abs of his ex-lover, slowly making his way up too the necklace. It makes Sander shiver when he touches the cold metal of the rings. He bites his lips gazing over the man underneath him. 

Robbe's eyes are red and puffy. Suddenly he feels the urge to comfort him. 

Sander leans down to press his lips against the other man's. 

Robbe's body loses up and he starts to stroke Sander's back. A soft moan escapes from his lips, but Sander pulls back slightly. 

'Why did you end things with Luuk?' 

Robbe opens his eyes briefly. 'I will tell you later, please Sander.'

A small hand tries to guide his head back to the lips of the younger man. 

'Tell me first, please.'

'He was being so annoying and didn't trust me anymore. He looked through my diary and stuff.'

'That is the only reason?'

Robbe pushes himself up and tries to turn them around. 'Well, not the only reason.'

Sander stops him and gently pushes the boy back onto the pillow. 

'Robbe, tell me?'

The man underneath him sighs and folds his hand over his head. 

'I guess you were kinda right. I loved him in some way, but not enough to marry him. I know we weren't meant to be.'

'I am proud of you.'

Robbe gives him a soft smile and tilts his head back, asking for a kiss but Sander leans back even more. 

'Why are you here, Robbe?'

'What?' 

The younger man licks his lips, looking uncomfortably for a second. 

'I- I have nowhere else to go.'

Robbe is staring at him so intensely as if he is hoping Sander will read his mind. 

'Right' Sander picks his jeans up from the ground. 

'What are you doing?'

'We are not going to do anything.'

Robbe lets out a frustrated groan. 'What do you mean?'

'Not like this, Robbe. It feels like I am taking advantage of you.'

The other's man mouth falls open. 

'Taking advantage of me? I came to you!'

'You are clearly upset and want a distraction. This is not the way to get over Luuk.' 

'You don't know that.'

Sander snorts 'believe me, I know that.'

'For fuck sake Sander, just fuck me and don't try to be the old wise man, not right now, please. '

Robbe plays a little bit with a loose string of the blanket. 

'I need it, okay?'

His voice is so soft that Sander's didn't get it. 

'I am sorry.'

Robbe let his head fall back against the pillow. 

'I know that you are lonely but we must not give in to the desire that is going to destroy us.' 

That makes the other man lifts his head. 

'You remember that?'

Sander laughs humourless. 'I think I can tell you that letter word by word.'

Robbe nods slowly, not looking Sander in the eye anymore. 

It stays silent for a second until Robbe's shoulders start to shake. 

Painful sobs coming from the younger man, breaking Sander's heart. 

He sits on the edge of the bed and holds the other man in his arms, letting him cry in his arms. 

'I am sorry, baby. For everything I have done to you' Sander whispers while stroking the brown curls. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it doesn't make a lot of sense right now, but I promise it will!! (At least I hope so🙈)


	6. This love

Robbe needs a few seconds to wake up. He needs some time to allow himself to realise where he was. 

He needs some time to figure out what was fiction and what was real. 

The last twenty-four hours had been crazy, and for a moment, he believes it was all made up, a weird fucked up dream 

There hadn't been a fight between him and Luuk. He had never kissed Sander again, and he certainly didn't try to sleep with the other man again. 

It all feels so surreal, but the room in which is laying is the only evidence needed for the bizarre events. 

The room is very Sander, light, clean yet extremely messy. 

There were sketches and paint everywhere. 

It made him feel warm on the inside. 

Robbe recognized some poster from when they were living together. 

_ 'If it doesn't give you income, inspiration or orgasms, it doesn't belong in your life.' _

The poster was an inside joke between them. Robbe absolutely hated it for some reason he couldn't explain. It just rubbed him the wrong way. 

Sander, on the other hand, adored the poster. 

They had agreed to put in the restroom. A lot of guests had made some comments about it, especially their parents. But Sander refused to take the poster down. 

Robbe shakes his head at the memory while sighing, looking around for more flashbacks. 

A smile broke through on his face while observing the room. 

You could just see that this place is was Sander's safe place. It reminded Robbe of the art room in Sander's college years ago. 

A room that was full of art. 

There was only one thing missing

The artist wasn't there. 

Maybe it was for the best. 

Robbe's behaviour had been scandalous last night. Just kissing Sander without any form of contact over the year, begging for sex and not even five minutes later balling his eyes out. 

He felt his cheeks heating up. He was a grown man for fuck sake! This behaviour would have been explainable ten years ago, but something had just snapped in his head. 

He needed to feel loved. 

He wanted to have a feeling of safety. 

He desired being cherished. 

And there had only been one person in Robbe's entire life who had made him feel that. Sander Driessen. 

There is a specific love for the one close to your pumping heart. There is a word for your special person lingering in the back of your mind. This abundance of love is shared for all who know the loved one. Sander was that person for him. 

Robbe still isn't sure what happened to him last night. It all became just too much. 

Luuk was late home for the fifth time that week and not like five minutes late, more like five hours. 

And he was just done. 

Robbe always tried to please others, and he never succeeded or appreciate. Enough was enough. 

He had given both Sander and Luuk everything he had, and it hadn't been enough.

So he had to accept that no matter how hard he tried, it won't succeed. 

Robbe was done doubting his intuition. He no longer needed hardcore proof to justify his feelings. If he felt something good or bad, he felt it. His was going to use his time more careful. 

Luuk didn't feel good, something was off about the man. He didn't know what, but Robbe wasn't happy so he decided to end things and that is okay. 

You don't need to have any reason or proof. Trust your gut was Robbe's new slogan. 

He had felt excited after he had dumped Luuk. There was this energy flooding through his body. He felt unstoppable, high on adrenaline. 

He couldn’t come down. 

It was different now. . 

The only feeling left, was shame. His cheeks heated up while searching for his clothes that were spread all over the floor.

Most of them were dry but very stiff. 

Robbe couldn't bring himself to care. He would deal with it later, now he needed to get out of here first. 

He didn't know where he could go. It was Saturday which meant Luuk was probably at the apartment and who knows what kinda state that man was in. 

It was better to avoid the apartment for a while until Luuk had calmed down a little. 

He probably had to book a hotel or something. 

Robbe brushed through his hair. This was a fucking mess. He didn't have any clothes or toilet ware. 

His work laptop was also still in the apartment. 

He bites his lip, he had go, one way or another. 

Maybe first get some breakfast and text Luuk to prepare him. 

Robbe was relieved that he didn't have any feeling of doubt. He was happy with his decision, he finally followed his gut. It was better this way. 

And now he had to hurry up before Sander came back from wherever the man had gone. 

It was a weird, but beautiful place. There was art everywhere. 

Robbe had never seen any place like it before and he had been to art ateliers before. Sander had dragged him to almost every art habitation in Antwerp. 

But this wasn't an art habitation. It was more like a shop so perhaps that was the difference. 

He made his way down the stairs trying to remember how he came in last night. 

A sigh of relief escapes his lips when recognizes the big front door. 

After five minutes of pulling he notices the sign ‘push’. Robbe gives himself a mental facepalm before slamming the door open, straight into somebody face. 

Someone yelps with pain and there is also a loud sound of meowing. 

'Oh god, I am so sorry.' 

Robbe leans down to pick up the black cat that is hissing. 

He gives it a small pat while the cat looks extremely upset. 

'Don't worry about him, it is a drama king. I don't know where he got that from.' 

Of course, he had to run into Sander. 

The man was giving him a small smile while holding up a paper bag.

'Croissants?' 

Sander's eyes Robbe up and down, eyes lingering on the untied shoes. 

'You are not going already, are you?'

Robbe can feel that he starts blushing. 

He opens his mouth, but there comes no sound out of it. He makes a vague gesture 'I- I had to leave?'

Sander snorts before gently guiding the smaller man back inside. 

'I think we need to talk first.' 

Robbe sighs but follows the artist back upstairs, still holding on to the cat that is purring. 

It is a beautiful cat. He has beautiful pitch black fur with yellow and greenish eyes. 

'What is his name? 

Sander looks over his shoulder. A smile paints his face when sees Robbe patting the cat. 

'His name is Ash.'

'As in-?'

'Yes,' Sander smiles proudly. 

'Since when do you have him? I don't remember you talking about him.' 

The older man doesn't walk back to the room with the old bed. He climbs another staircase. 

'Got him almost a year ago. I felt lonely so I decided to get a buddy.'

Around a year ago.

That must be around the time he got Robbe's letter. 

The younger man swallows with difficulty. He doesn't know how to feel about that piece of information. 

Sander opens a door that leads to a small bright kitchen. The man pulls a chair back. 'Sit down if you want to.'

Robbe sits down. Ash jumps from his lap towards a small metal bowl on the floor and stares at Sander who laughs. 

'As if I didn't just feed you!' The man shakes his head, but opens a cupboard and takes out some can. 

'There you go, little brat.'

Sander lifts the cat onto the counter. 

'That was why I was gone by the way. I wasn't sure if he had enough food.'

Robbe nods 'that is okay.' 

The older man pulls back a chair across Robbe. 

'So you were planning on sneaking out? I got you a coffee on the way. I hope it is still a normal one without any sugar but a bit of milk?' 

'Yes, it still is.' 

Robbe takes the cup and recognizes the brand almost instantly. It is from their cafe. They just to get their breakfast there every Sunday morning. 

It is good coffee. 

'But?' Sander raises his eyebrow while taking a sip of his own coffee. 

Robbe doesn't know where to look. The artwork on the wall is pretty interesting. 

'Talk to me, Robbe.'

Sander reaches out to hold the younger man's hand. 

'You can tell me anything. I will always love you no matter what.'

That comment makes Robbe snort. 

'What?' Sander looks a bit offended. 

'You love me perhaps, but you were never in love with me.'

The man across him blinks a few times. 'What do you mean? Of course, I was in love with you. I still am!'

'Sander, you were never in love with me, not really. You just loved the way I made you feel. I always made you the centre of my attention because that is what you were for me. You could have asked for anything, and I would have given it.'

Sander shakes his head. 

'Robbe, the last time I felt alive was when I was looking into your eyes when I was breathing in your scent when I was touching your skin. 

It took me so long to realise that I am dying without you.'

It stays silent for a second. 

'But why did you do it then? If you love me so much?'

'It isn't an excuse, but I was trying to get your attention.'

'By cheating?'

'By cheating.'

Sander bites his lip and lowers his eyes. 

'I don't know why. It is fucked up, I know it.'

Robbe suddenly feels that energy and power of last night again. He was going to tell Sander the truth. He wasn't just going to let it pass by with a simple apology. Sander had to know how much he had scarred Robbe. 

'I think what hurt me the most is the fact that I gave you everything. I tried to support you through thick and thin, no matter what but one day you just gave up on me. You didn't fight for me at all. You just did what you promised you would never do, without any hesitation.'

Sander swallows before looking up. The green eyes are filled with tears. 

'I will fight for us now Robbe, I promise it. I love you and I will always love you. You have a place in my heart no one could ever have.'

The older man grabs Robbe's hand and squeezes it lightly but the younger man pulls back. 

'Love isn't about what you say, Sander. It is about what you do.'

'I know that. I know that Robbe and I will show you if you let me.'

The man reaches out again, but Robbe pulls back again. 

'I don't think it is going to work. I am simply not enough for you. 

I am a wreck at the moment.'

'Talk to yourself as if you talk to someone you love, Robbe. You are the most wonderful person on this planet, and no one deserves you, including me. I will have to prove myself worthy of your attention and affection. It is my turn to show how much I care for you and you will be the person to decide if it is enough or not. Your self-control is a strength, and I know you think otherwise, but it really is. You are so strong and smart yet you let other people decide over your life. Don't do that. Don't let others control your direction in life. Choose your own path, do what feels good and perhaps you fuck up like I did and maybe you won't, but if you never try you will never know. You are more than enough. You have been everything I ever needed and so much more.' 

Sander takes a deep breath before he continues. 

'You know what I have learned over the past year? You can rise up from anything. You can completely recreate yourself. Nothing is permanent and you are never stuck. You can change your opinion and thoughts. You can learn new things whenever you want. You can create new, better habits. All that matters is what you decide, and if you decide, you have to stick to it and don't look back. I have changed.'

It stays silent for a few minutes. Both man are staring at each other. Softly touching each other skin, but still keeping their distance. 

'The thing is, Robbe, you don't find love. Love finds you. It has nothing to do with coincidence. It has got to do with destiny, fate and what is written in the stars. There are no accidental meetings between souls. The universe is trying to tell us to be together and I get if you don't want it anymore. What I did was- '

The older man starts to stutter slightly. 

'It was just the most horrible thing ever and I would do anything to go back in time to fix. To give you the attention that you deserve. To tell my younger self not to take you for granted. To make sure that you know how much you mean to me. But I can't, I can't go back in time. I have to deal with the consequences of my own actions. All I can do is beg for your forgiveness and hope that you are willing to give me a second chance. 

A second chance to prove myself worthy for you.'

It stays silent between them. Both are staring at Ash that is playing with his toy. 

Sander has started to bite his fingernails. 

'If we are going to do this, we have to take things slow' sighs Robbe finally. 

His stomach does a full one-eighty when Sander's face light up completely. 

Of course' the man nods enthusiastically. 'We will take things minute for minute.'

Robbe chuckles softly when the man says the sentence that brought them both so much comfort when they were younger. 

'Minute for a minute' repeats he slowly while pulling the necklace from underneath his jumper.

Sander presses a soft kiss against Robbe's other hand.

'You are the best thing I have ever waited for.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, and the comments! It makes my day!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!


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